Raccoon and Spider

Today, I read an article on the excellent FWD site. This is an article about the 'inner critic' in the mind of creative people, and how we are supposed to turn off this voice in out head. I think that, while brainstorming and writing rough drafts, it is a good idea to temporarily ignore this voice, but only up to a certain point. Critical thinking is a tool to be used in the creation of new things.

Then, of course, there is the fact that I, and undoubtedly many people, just can't do it. I have some mild mental issues, I won't go into the details, but it's funny how I'm hesitant of claiming my issues as what they are because I'm afraid someone else will come along and tell me how wrong I am. Hello, fear, my old friend.

In any case, these issues make sure I really sort of can't turn off the 'inner critic'. For the most, I might be able to put the volume on low for an hour or so, and tell it that it might be right but this is the best I can do, so I'm going to do it, no matter how miserable it makes me feel. I can't turn off the critic not because it has a very loud voice, in fact, it's more like a soft, seductive whisper, that leaves me straining to catch the words because...

...because I want to hear it. It doesn't give me any pleasure, but it's better than the alternative, not hearing it.

Whenever I'm in a conversation with a lot of background noise, I eventually miss a few words, or don't understand a reply. When this happens, I panic. What did they say? How am I supposed to reply? I ask them to repeat that, and often it was somethig unimportant and they try to wave it off. I respond by asking more urgently. I need to know what was said. If they even remember by then, it usually is something like 'oh, there is the bus'.

When I see a cryptic remark online, I need to know what it means. I will do research, I will ask the person in question over and over, and their denial will just make my questioning more frantic.

Why do I need to know what is said around me so desperately? As far as I've come to understand it, part of it is from fear people are secretly laughing around me. Part of it is from fear I might miss something important, or amusing. Part of it is because I believe if I don't hear everthing, know everything, I will fail. Part of it, in case of the critic, is because there is the possibility the critic is right.

I need to know what is said because I'm afraid. I need to know because I don't trust myself, I doubt myself. In fact, a lot of my fears can be traced back to doubt in the first place. I'm afraid of people because I doubt my social skills. I'm afraid of failing because I doubt my knowledge. I'm afraid because I doubt my worth.

And this brings me to the Spider. A year or two ago now, I did some research in totem animals. By research I mean, I meditated, I met two animals, one of which agreed to guide me (I first wrote 'one of which rejected me', see what I did there?), I then looked up the meaning of several animals and decided that I was fortunate to find such a good match, even though hir teachings are cryptic.

I then tried to contact a third animal, because zie fascinates me and I would love to learn from hir. I sat down in the sun out in the countryside, closed my eyes and begged audience. After a few failed attempts I got a message through. It was harsh, loud, sudden, and followed by a metaphorical boot out the door. This was the message:

STOP DOUBTING

I don't think I quite realised what it meant. At first I thought it referred to my doubt as to whether this would get any real result, or whether the totems would even let me see a second animal.

I think, to tie this story back to the first part of my ramble, that it meant the more general doubt. I also think it didn't mean I should shut off all doubts entirely, some doubt is good, useful, but that it was meant to be interpreted more as a 'stop doubting so much and let yourself be a little'.

Truth be told, Spider was a bit angry with me, more than a bit imposing, and I don't think zie'll ever let me learn from hir until I've managed to follow her advice.

Sometimes I like my life lessons passed down to me by animals.